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For me as a woman in my late 30s, I’ve long felt that politeness is essential, which includes apologizing when I think I’ve made a mistake. Even with a fulfilling life, I’ve battled very low self-confidence. This mix of trying to acknowledge people and doubting myself has turned me into someone who over-apologizes. Frequently, it happens so quickly that I’m unconscious of it. It stems from anxiety and has influenced both my personal and professional life. It irritates my close ones and workmates, and then I get upset when they point it out—which only heightens my anxiety.

Public Speaking and Inquiring

This constant saying sorry is especially troubling when it comes to speaking to others or making inquiries in front of people. I try to have a script to stay concise and avoid going off-topic, but even that isn’t effective most of the time. As an starting scholar in government studies, speaking with confidence is crucial. I’ve attempted to work on this through exposure therapy, such as instructing groups and compelling myself to ask questions at community gatherings, despite experiencing setbacks from established male academics. I’ve also tried waiting before speaking to become more conscious of when I’m apologizing, but this is effective at first before I revert to old habits.

Personal Peace

I doubt I’ll ever completely love myself, and I’ve accepted with that. I still enjoy life and find it rewarding. My main goal is to reduce the overuse of apologies. I’ve heard that counseling might assist me, but I ask how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a useful skill, but it must be used appropriately. Too infrequent or too excessive, and you place a load on others.

Understanding the Roots

A psychotherapist might explore where this compulsion comes from. Thoughts including, “How early were you when this developed?” or “Was it self-inspired or adopted from someone important to you?” Sometimes, early ways that once served us well become unhelpful in adulthood.

In fact, some of your current behaviors could be seen as self-sabotage. You know it irritates those around you, yet you continue it.

The Role of Therapy

When asked what therapy could do, one approach focuses on existing rather than doing. Much of effective counseling is about self-reflection, not just problem-solving. A skilled therapist will supportively question you, offering a comfortable setting to explore and accept who you are.

Instead of direct confrontation, a relational approach with a supportive guide might be more beneficial. This can help you return to yourself and examine how you treat, dismiss, and invalidate yourself. It can assist in catching self-criticism, stopping it, and finding more gentle ways to see things. Your self-assurance can improve from there.

Useful Strategies

Changing deep-seated habits is difficult, especially in anxious times when apologizing feels like a reflex. But you can start by thinking on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to refrain. Often, it’s an effort to avoid discomfort or vulnerability, by recognizing perceived shortcomings before others do. This can create a vicious circle of irritation and anxiety.

Even reflecting afterward can be beneficial. Try taking a breath before responding, or use a stock phrase instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I see” can make others feel understood without you taking responsibility.

This approach will take patience, but acknowledging there’s an issue is a important first step toward improvement.